What can I do about sex with my wife?

It's a typical story...we're 43, and I want sex about 40 times more often than she. She has approached me wanting sex about 3 times in the last 5 years. She accomodates my advances frequently, but it is obvious she doesn't really enjoy it and is just going through the motions waiting for me to finish. If I try to change things or spice things up in any way, she seems more irritated than anything else, because it delays things or otherwise makes her feel bad for some reason. She does not respond well to gifts, flowers (she says they make her afraid "it will lead to sex later"); she loves massages but they make her fall asleep and she never wants sex after them. She admits to withholding non-sexual affection because she's afraid it will lead to sex, and has told me she is often afraid to get into our bed because she 'might have to have sex again.' We have three children, I earn a very good income, and am home every night. No affairs for either one of us. I'm not overweight. Help

What can I do about sex with my wife?
Wow. Lotta ignorant people. I'm shocked by the womens' answers in particular!





Okay, #1: Be Very Careful - because this subject is probably very emotionally painful to her. It may be self-esteem. No matter how much you come on to her, she may have constructed a rationalization in her head that lets her hold on to the idea that she is unattractive.





So when you discuss this idea with her, you need to be very gentle, and try very hard to not say "dumb man" things. The more she has to face this pain, the deeper she may withdraw.





It could be medical - but you've got to be very careful to bring this up in a way that will not hurt her feelings. Or you will make it worse.





She could be cheating. But again, a lot of women who cheat are really confused about their emotions, and you can really hurt her feelings by accusing her; even if she *IS* cheating. You've got your anger, and that's legitimate (because there's not a whole lot that justifies infidelity).





She could have sexual issues stemming from past (or childhood) abuse. Also, very tricky to deal with.





If she's always been this way, then she may have suffered severe mental abuse at the hands of a religious cult; of the unfortunately common type that teaches that sex is bad.





In all of these cases; counseling is the answer.





You could propose to go to counseling to work on your own self-esteem issues, (or whatever), and get her to go with, and her issues will come out, eventually. (give it at least a year).





I feel for you - when she does show affection, she's afraid you're going to want sex. . . (because you're on a freaking hair-trigger, because you never get it! - and YOU end up being the one feeling guilty for being "over-sexed" - not the case: You're starved for intimacy. Not sex. When you need sex, you've always got Rosie.) - so, keep this in mind when she DOES reach out to you, try very hard to not prove her suspicions right, and stick to just basic touching. Try to "unload" yourself every day, in private, to reduce your urges.





Also - no matter how busy you are, no matter what else is going on, commit to spending AT LEAST 10 minutes with her EVERY DAY. Show HER affection, without expecting sex. Talk to her. Ask her about her day. Even if she wants to babble about trivial mundanities - LISTEN to her, and talk with her. Smile at her. Tell her jokes. Tell her how much you love her. This is what she's craving.





When she doesn't get this from you, whether you're too busy, or mad, even if you have a "legitimate" excuse, she is craving this daily attention. She's probably ashamed to ask for it. It is a childish need, but it's a need, and you can choose to fulfill it, or you can continue to deny her, and watch her whither, emotionally. This one is VERY hard to understand. But some women just NEED this. Some men deny their partners this for various reasons (usually out of a desire to be a good husband, and work hard to provide for the family - but provision is about much more than just money!)





For me - this daily attention ritual has really made a huge difference. For a long time, I was angry at her for even asking this, because I am too damn busy trying to earn enough money to support her, and go to school, and spend time with the kids. This anger of mine, directed at her, wreaked untold havok. (no, I'm not a hitter, or a shouter. I'm a freezer-outter).





So I finally tried it; paying attention to her - every day. And it has worked wonders. It has made a huge difference. We have a long way to go, and she has a LOT of damage to un-do. (repeated infidelity, shop-a-holism, her own anger-management issues, including verbal abuse of me and our children). But for the first time in 15 years, we're finally moving in the right direction.
Reply:Sorry I don't think your story is typical, I'm 41 and my husband is 43 and things are not like that in our relationship. After reading your question I have to ask was your wife sexually abused when she was a child, the way you say things it almost sounds like the problems my friend went through with his wife. They went to counseling and thats when it came out that her uncle sexually abused her, things are some what better now but his wife is still in counseling.
Reply:Obviously you have major relationship issues in which your wife either has sexual problems or is not interested in you. By any chance does the Sancho mean anything to you? . You may also consider that she could be having an affair or has had affairs. I would suggest going to counseling ASAP and try to work out your problems or realize that you will living your life this way forever. Life is tough, so you be tougher. Good luck and best wishes.
Reply:That is a problem you and your wife need to find out how to fix. I don't know her and don't know what her anxiety of sex is. It is possible that she has a problem that you and her need to get help with. Don't take everyone's advice here in yahoo cause they couldn't possibly know your wife and her intentions. She could possibly have a female problem.
Reply:Talk to her and ask her why? Tell her how u REALLY feel, and if she truly loves you, she will try to change something. Sounds like she's at the point where she needs viagra for women (I forget the actual name of the product). If all else fails.. go to couples therapy. If that doesnt help then your only options are divorce or alot of masturbation. But DO NOT cheat... that isnt worth destroying her love for you. A woman will never respect you or look at you the same if you cheat.
Reply:I think maybe you need to have a real good old fashion heart to heart talk with your wife firstly...Maybe there is something medically wrong with her ,that you aren't awear of.The next step is to go to a marriage counsellor....I feel as thou something is wrong that your wife is not talking about that has affected her badly.....Step gently my friend,Try and find the right time and the right words..good luck
Reply:She is probably having an affair. Sorry.. But thats what it looks like. If she wasn't having one, she would at least be open to try new thinsg with you. But since she is cold to you, you have alot to worry about. Why is she so afraid if she's not hiding anything. You need to think about that.
Reply:sounds just like me except i could lose a few pounds. i usually get her off first and then it's my turn but i think in the future, it's going to be all about me finishing first and see what happens. i think some women are just asexual after a couple of puppies
Reply:Have her seek a Dr to see why her labido is so low. Talk to your wife and ask her what she would like so she can be pleased to the fullest. Sex shouldn't be a chore it is fun. She should be in her prime as well. Talk to her and ask her to seek professional help.
Reply:I think I will start a club of men married to prudes. I don't know what this club will do short of just complaining, but at least these guys will have somewhere to vent.
Reply:There could be some underlying issues going on but something isn't quite right. Consult some professional help to find out what is truly going on.
Reply:It sounds like she may have some serious psycological problems with sex. Is this so bad that you want a divorce, because i think some counseling could help.
Reply:it may be a medical issue such as sex hurts her (there are many reasons for it) or an emottional one, both can be solved with proper care talk to your doctor and tell your wife to do the same.
Reply:Sounds like you are an official WATNGAC now
Reply:well, both of u got to seek for help, don wait.
Reply:I'd have to say the same thing someone else said. She needs to go see a Dr. Is it painful? There must be a reason she doesn't like it that much. I know some women loose interest after children mostly cause they are so damn busy with housework, kids crap, cooking etc...they see sex as a chore. The have a female version of Viagra out there that might help. But she should go to a dr not a sex therapist a reg doc...or obgyn.





Good Luck! ps. not all women hate sex, I LOVE IT!!!
Reply:YOu'll have to ask her why not. I have some sympathy with her. Perhaps it is because she is tired. This is what I would do: Do nothing obvious, but try to be more caring. Help her with clearing up after dinner - talk to her. Make sure you communicate with her - talk about things that interest her and you. Don't frighten her by make sexual advances - I was always upset because I thought that my husband was onlyinterested in sex, not me.


But don't be too obvious - don't do the running the bath and candles and bubble bath. Try to build up a deep relationship with your wife's brain!


And a splash of wine after dinner won't hurt, either.
Reply:Get some dirty leg on the side and stop asking the biyatch for sex at all. Start going to bars and hangin out with younger women who are willing to offer what you want in exchange for a man with a good income.


She doesn't appreciate what she has so stop offering it to her. Get the ****'s name off of all of your accounts and disassociate yourself from her. If she does not know what her responsibilities are as a wife then why should you till be fulfilling yours???


Ignore her and cut her off financially.
Reply:Why does she dislike sex? Is it painful physically? Is there an emotional issue there? Does she feel nasty or dirty? Does she just have no interest?





She needs to see her doctor to rule out any physical issues, and then talk to a professional if all is well physically, to see what emotional barriers there may be.





It's not odd for couples to have differing sex drives, but the fact that she avoids certain things for fear it will lead to sex (or lead to her rejecting you and feeling guilty) there is a problem that appears to be more than simple lack of interest.
Reply:this is actually quite common. first is talking. tell her she can always say no to sex and that you want and need the intimacy even if she isnt interested in sex. in the end, believe it or not one helps the other. if you take that pressure of, she will feel less pressured and just cuddling is more likely to lead to more sex.





this is all kind of a hard trap. avoiding intimacy to avoid sex leads to more distance and makes everything worse. you too can also initiate intimacy without sex, and this too will help. it shows you care and want her for just her, not just sex. my wife and i kind of ended up there at one point. if you do better at intimacy without sex it will help her show you affection without sex and that will ultimately lead to more sex because it takes that pressure off.
Reply:Has she been totally honest with you? Was she different like (sexually active) when you were just dating and then changed after marriage and having kids? Or has she always been lukewarm towards sex? Why would she be afraid of sex? Have you had a heart to heart talk with her on what could be bothering her or how you are in bed? If you feel that you have done everything and still no changes, you both might want to consult a therapist and see what's going on. She might have had a bad or traumatic sexual experience.
Reply:I feel the same way she does... So if you ever find out why or what to do let me know...
Reply:Is this a change in her behavior or has she always liked sex less than you?





If it's a change, there must be a cause. It could be things that you are doing or not doing (to keep the romance alive) or it could be something medical in her.





Just making a good income and keeping your weight down isn't enough to keep a romantic spark going. Try some of the following:





1. plan spontaneous weekend trips just the two of you


2. buy her flowers or gifts randomly for no particular reason, just to let her know you're thinking about her.


3. Remember little things she talks about (like gift ideas) and get them for her later to show that she is on your mind and that you do listen to what she says.





If you do some or all of those things already and think I'm on the wrong path, and she used to love sex, then I would have her see a doctor. Often couples need and want sex differently from one another, but a healthy sex life is crucial to a sucessful marriage. There could me a medical issue that she's unaware of.





Alternately you could both see a sex therapist to try and get to the root of the issue. Just make sure you don't make your wife feel bad about herself. Low self-esteem on her part will just make the issue worse.
Reply:In answer to everyone's questions--my wife was extremely sexual with me when we first dated and continued, although a bit less vigorously, during the first 2 years of marriage. We had sex multiple times per week, sometimes per night. We pulled off the road to have sex in the car once (secluded of course), and had a very loving, passionate relationship. She says she's still attracted to me, says she's not having an affair, but says she doesn't want to have sex with "anyone." She is very attractive, very fit. I am fit and look older but as good as I did when we married. Her admitted reluctance to share affection leads me to avoid wooing her and being sweet to her. Why? Because - and she's admitted this, too - because I fear that being sweet and nice will be perceived by her as my attempt to get her to have sex. She has said "I'm afraid the only times you're nice to me is when you want to have sex." Well, if we're not having sex, aren't I supposed to be nice and sweet and romantic to get you in the mood? It's a vicious cycle and it's really taking its toll on me. Maybe I'm not as good of a friend and not as interested and loving as I was when we were younger. I just don't know. She has self-esteem issues, and thinks she is a bad mother to our kids, despite the fact that everyone tells her she is a good Mom. She is _very_ concerned about kids walking in on us, or hearing us, etc., although the problem existed before the kids were of the age where you worry about that sort of thing. I have never hit her. We have arguments, and we both shout and get angry, but generally we make up quickly, both apologize to one another, etc. In other ways we are a very happy, solid couple. There is no medical issue--we both work in the medical field and are open about these issues and there's no problem.





For years I knew there was a problem but it was less intense and we both seemed to just live with it. Lately, I've become so frustrated it's starting to make me depressed and I don't know what to do. I guess we need counseling. I personally think she needs therapy for some sort of issue relating to sex and her past (although she's said she was never abused), but saying so hurts her feelings. It's just very difficult, and is a vicious cycle.
Reply:You are right. Your story is typical. It happens everyday and to a lot of married couple.


It seems to me that your wife's sex drive is none existence. It can be due to several factors:


Physical aspects: she might be out of shape, she doesn't have to be over weight, but if her fitness level is very low, she won't be able to keep up. (e.g. a massage puts her to sleep, what a boring doorknob that you must be marrying to. sheesh)


Psychological: Maybe she is not feeling appreciated, or loved.


Who knows what her problems are.


It is funny that woman think after getting married with a man, the man should love them unconditionally no matter what. They should realize marriage is like running a business, if you don't work on it, it will go out of business.


There is no solution to this problem, beg her for sex, and pray. What else can you do
Reply:Maybe she is a lesbian, and just uninterested in sex with men in general. Or, maybe she is just not attracted to you anymore, and prefers a man with muscle and good looks.
Reply:Sheesh I don't know man, tie your paycheck to your wiener?





Sex therapist or divorce, that would be my call. What she is doing is not right, however sounds like maybe you ain't that good in the sack....I know I can go without bad sex too.
Reply:Slip her some liquid creatine in her soda.





She needs a boost!!!!



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