I love my fiancee, but I don't know what to do?

We used to have a great and enjoyable relationship with eachother where we'd go do all sorts of things all the time. Since school has started, everything changed. Last semester, she spent most of the time with me and things were good (when school wasn't stressing her out). This semester though she never seems to want to come to see me (we live about 45min. away). I try to see her whenever possible. I even bring flowers and other gifts just to be a little romantic and brighten her day. but she has cats (i'm allergic) and nowhere for me to sleep so I can't stay long. She tells me she loves me, she misses me, that I'm the most important thing in her life, and I know she means it because it usually makes her cry. It's when I say I'm unable to do something when she asks or when she's just really stressed out from her day, she just wants to end everything and will say that she's not happy with us. then the next day she'll say she's sorry and can't live without me. I'm lost here.

I love my fiancee, but I don't know what to do?
It sounds like she's starting to feel like she's losing control of her situation at school, or at least the stress it's causing her. Everyone's felt that way before, but we all deal with it a different way because we're made different, different combination of hormones causing us to react in all sorts of ways. What I'm saying here is that while you should keep trying to understand what she's going through, you should also make her aware of how its effecting others around her. Ask her how it feels to lose out to a bad mood, then ask her if she really wants to keep repeating that again. I have a feeling that she'll probably tell you no, in which case, just tell her how confused she's made you feel, and ask her to please make an attempt to release that stress elsewhere for both your sake and hers.


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I'm a girl who's been with a guy for a few years now, so I think I have a pretty good idea where this is coming from. I also remembering acting out during a period of time when things at work weren't going so well, something I kept under wraps when I was around him. One thing I do remember during that time though, was that I cared about him deeply and most of the things I said and did, I just didn't mean. Meh, we all say stupid things when we're emotional... there's not much you can do unless you can get through to the person and have him or her be aware of what they're doing.





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I just read the additional details you added. I really sympathize with you, it's a pretty tough situation to be in.





You're right about the insecurity issues that she has, from everything you've described her doing (the snooping, the excuse that you're too good for her, etc.), those issues sounds like the root of her emotions and her actions. Does she realize that though? That the things she does is because of this? or is she only aware of it peripherally when you tell her?





To be honest, I'm surprised that you are so extremely patient with her, (props to you) but you need to be more stern. She needs to hear from you that if she doesn't think that she's good enough for you then she'll never be because she doesn't believe it. The power of belief is at the core of who we are, and if she doesn't think highly enough of herself, then she'll always have a bone to pick with you or anyone who's around her. I'm not saying she's doing this intentionally, but in a very big way, she's refusing to let go/forgive herself for things she feels she was responsible for.





I know she's your fiancee, and you obviously love her enough to pose this question, but you have to admit to yourself that this problem probably won't be solved by living together. Once you two are married, you're still going to have individual jobs --- issues that haven't been resolved before marriage won't be erased when the rings have been exchanged, in fact it'll be magnified. No amount of drastic environment change will alter how she feels internally.





You just have to make the best judgement possible. Try and talk to her about all these things, make her realize where it is coming from. Actions don't change unless belief is changed. If she really loves you, then she should at least be willing to hear you out and try to understand why it is she's been feeling all these negative things. If she weren't blinded by her insecurities, she'd realize there's no point in snooping on you because you've already proven your trustworthiness through the patience you've provided her.





The only other thing I can think of, you probably don't want to hear... and that's that you should take time off of eachother. At this point, if it continues, you're going to start doubting this relationship more and more because she's doubting it. It really feels like she needs to take time to find herself, and you as well, as a more objective view will help you both later on. After the time off, you might discover something new that you can't see now, and whatever that insight is, it can only be helpful.



flower